I'm finally doing it. I went today and got my medical records to send to a neurologist. I had all these tests done but never got any answers (because an actual neurologist never saw them).
The headaches, the dizziness, the spots in vision, the chronic fatigue, the fluid sounds in my head, the sensitivity to light at all times, the sensitivity to sound sometimes, the inability to warm my extremeties, the swollen lymph nodes, the constant skin rashes, the anxiety and depression even...
Why have I been living like this for so many years?? I finally almost got an answer for it all about a year ago, but I've been too scared to do anything about it. I did my own research on what the doctors were indicating could be wrong and while I was relieved to be on the brink of a diagnosis (that wasn't BRAIN CANCER!!), the thought of undergoing brain surgery really scares me.
And when I stop and think about it, I get even more scared. Because, while my quality of life IS affected, it still is a LIFE...know what I mean?? I could die in surgery trying to improve my life. Makes me feel selfish...I mean, I do have a life and I've been managing it somehow for years. Maybe I should just leave it alone, and leave the brain surgeries for those with life-threatening conditions. *sigh*
Ugh. And the cycle continues. At least I HAVE the records. Now, to actually put them in the MAIL...
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Awww honey! I am soooo sorry you are walking through all this right now. I cannot imagine how much scared you must be right now. I am praying for you big time, and I know that God has you in His hand. I always have to remind myself of a Charlie Hall song "walk the world" and in it he says:"And we were born for this, this day and time". I know it seems crappy to say, but you and I really were born for this time, even if this time is full of pain, suffering and sorrow.
ReplyDeleteGod never calls us to more than we can handle, and He is with us EVERY step of the way. Even though the pain seems overwhelming at times, and even tho it seems like nothing will ever change, He never forgets us and He never lets us go. The pain does not change WHO He is to us, it simply changes the way we see Him. We seem Him as more than just Lord and Savior, we see Him as our desperate source of protection and our only means of survival.
You are going to be ok, girl. You really are. That OK may not come for a long time, but it will come!